Self- Rejoinder

In my last blog post, I mentioned that the ability to keep thoughts to oneself is a crucial part of a healthy mental state. I stand by that statement, and definitely think that in the context of me writing a blog, I needed to realize that it is good for me to be quiet. However, not because I need to be more quiet (though, as many of you would be quick to note, I could always be more quiet :), but because thinking in the context of a conversation makes my thoughts inauthentic and fake. This is what I wanted to get at.

A good friend, as good friends do, questioned and clarified her thoughts on the statement "Blogging, while increasing introspection, has a propensity to starve the unexpressed thought, a staple of having a healthy mental life." She noted that it is important to also have the communication and, if I may take some liberty, the communion, of expressing your thoughts among people that matter. And I agree, claiming that this is a much more foundational stake of a flourishing human life than keeping one's thoughts private.

Here's a better resolution of what I was going to say. The aspect of the human heart I was trying to point out is that we all deeply yearn for acceptance and belonging. We want people to think that we are good, worthy of their praise, and worthy of them. At times, this makes me feel like a little child, yelling "EVERYBODY LOOK AT ME AND TELL ME I AM SUPER DUPER AWESOME." Sometimes I do that. And yet, at other times, this deep desire to belong is beautiful, is painful, is meaningful.

Here then is vulnerability- that we want to be accepted by others, for who we are, by those of whom we desire their esteem. The problem is that we are imperfect, and others do not accept us in our imperfection. And so we fake ourselves, putting on masks to please and placate others. It's stupid and I hate it.

This is partially why I hesitated to continue blogging- because it makes me think about how I can make my thoughts acceptable (or worse, praise-eliciting). And then I don't think what I think, I think what I think you (you vague, diffuse notion of my general audience) want me to think. 

So, in agreeing with my friend, true vulnerability requires me to be honest and unreserved about who and where I am. And this requires the expression of my thoughts, the risk of being rejected, and the

bravery of authenticity. 

However, I think my previous point about the need for an internal privacy of thought still has hold here in vulnerability. Because just as true vulnerability requires us to be ourselves, it requires the people that we want to be considered worthy by are the people worthy of giving us their opinion. (As an aside, there is still a naive, childish element of me that just wants the whole world to love me, but a more mature side recognizes that there are certain people that I could care less what they think of me. In fact, I think the reason that I still want their acceptance is not to be accepted, but out of a fear that their criticisms or judgments would be true of me- not that they don't love me, but that there is something about me that is unloveable. Maybe.) There is something exclusive about true vulnerability- it means that we are judging somebody as being more worthy of knowing us. Perhaps this is true only in a broken, sinful, world, but it is very true (and deeply impacts how we experience love). Think about marital  intimacy- as Christians love to (rightfully) proclaim, choosing to marry somebody means rejecting everybody else, and having an exclusive relationship with your spouse. Think about true worship- it means claiming that God is above all else, and that we will have no other gods- and not just "before" Him, but even with Him. Read Hosea. (I think there's a lot of interesting things to be said about this, but I shall retire).

In conclusion, retaining thoughts for yourself have a dual role- in a practical way, they mean that we don't share parts of ourselves that we think are unacceptable. And while vulnerability is important for us particularly in our brokenness and sinfulness, perhaps it is better to remain quiet about your faults than to mask them with falsehood. In the end, though, this is unhealthy and inhibits true vulnerability, which inhibits true friendship and connection. Secondly, though, retaining your thoughts is a way of suspending the need to be accepted by others and becoming authentic- thinking what you think not through the lens of others, but for yourself (which I don't endorse as always right- heaven knows that I need to be corrected as much as anybody, but I also need to be myself.)

And so I have more thoughts. And I'm not going to share them. At least not on a blog :)